I’ve been away on holiday on the beautiful island of Skye but I’ve not totally stopped thinking up clever Eurovision stratagems for Scotland. This time, I’m briefly covering some big Eurovision pitfalls that Scotland needs to avoid – and how they could rescue the situation if they don’t manage to avoid them.
- Don’t deploy Susan Boyle (unless she’s singing a complex Gaelic avant garde operatic number – I’m thinking the Highland equivalent of ‘Suus’. Also SuBo would need to be serving some high level Star Trek couture – oh my god, I think I want that to actually happen now)
- Don’t buy in a Swedish song and allow an actor, TV presenter or minor reality bod to front it (unless you’re buying in a G:son pop rock number and it turns out that someone like Sam Heughan from Outlander, River City and some beer adverts can sing, in which case everyone can look forwards to the contest in Glasgow the year after)
- Don’t go full trad with tartan and heather. It hasn’t worked for anyone in decades now. The mid-nineties Irish domination thing is 20 years ago now. We’ve moved on. (Unless you find a total folk star, and are sending something that is moving, stirring, rollicking and visually amazing.)
- Don’t try for the Scottish equivalent of a Balkan ballad. It would come over a bit Humperdinck (Unless you’re going to kick it up a notch after the first chorus and go a bit Scottish Turbofolk – now there’s a set of mental images I won’t be able to clear)
- Don’t send a ska band in kilts. It’s not been long enough since Koza Mostra. (Although if the Amphetameanies could get down to 6 members, they know their way around a tune and would at least be fun at the bar in Euroclub)
- Don’t send The Proclaimers. The ‘what happened to Jedward’ jokes are too inevitable. (Unless they wrote a song for a younger duo act to sing, in which case you’d basically stage it the opposite way to Joe & Jake and do really quite well)
- Don’t let John Barrowman anywhere near it. I know he was mind-boggling at the Glasgow Commonwealth Games opening ceremony, but let’s give it a few years before we bring on the Barrowman (Unless he goes full Cezar, which isn’t beyond the realms of possibility, let’s be honest)